The Gonzo Letters: Dear Trooper

Just thought I’d take the time to thank you for protecting the Public Good, specifically, in tracking down and ticketing Folk “Legend” Willie Nelson for his egregious drug use. It’s unfortunate you’re not given the authority to throw the man the beating his seventy some-odd year old ass so richly deserves! Only way to learn ‘em!

Yes sir! For too long these artists and writer types have flouted the Law in this regard. I read an article the other day about some scientific analysis of a few pipes found in Billy Shakespeare’s pad and apparently there were traces of not only this evil weed but of the cocaine as well! And then you know what he did, Trooper? He went and glorified it in one of his tunes (or sonnets, as this doper liked to call them) referring to ‘compounds strange’ and a ‘noted weed’.

Now back in Billy’s day, well, they knew how to handle drug offenders: torture and death by the Church of England! It’s an idea whose time has come again, I think you and I are in agreement on that, Trooper. Don’t fret, I’m sure the NeoCons are working towards this sort of enforcement as we speak, it’s probably Patriot Act III or IV. And about bloody time! Amen, sir!

Billy Shakespeare got away with it, but the buck stops at Willie Nelson and rightfully so! I’m thinking the thing to do is throw the book at him, teach the fucker a lesson. I were you, I’d be looking at taking down Dylan next, or that Keith Richards idiot. Get enough of them at the same time, the same prison, imagine the Art that you yourself will have spawned! I’m thinking recording sessions, DVDs, t-shirts and whatnot. I know you’re gonna want to be in on this, I just ask you not to cut me out of the loop. This could be huge.

Feel free to contact me for this type of advice at any time, especially if you can catch more of these vicious doper artist fiends. This is a big opportunity for us but we must move quickly. Artists are a cagey bunch and once they get wind of our plans they’ll scurry to all points.

Right, all for now.

Yours,
Manfred Duke

NOTE TO WRITINGUPPERS AND ESPECIALLY GONZO WARRIORS: It is my fervent desire to send this missive to the trooper who has so courageously taken down Public Enemy Willie Nelson. Any ideas on where to send it? Everybody has email these days or maybe the cop-shop has a website or whatnot? I couldn't be more serious about this.