Obama-Biden '08

Tue Aug 19, 2008 at 04:46:37 PM PST

At what point to political speculations go beyond mere amusement and bet-fodder to outright spooky? It’s one thing to have predicted Obama to take the nomination nearly a year before he throws his hat in the ring but that’s nothing next to predicting McCain in early December of ’07 (in the now epic The Republican Candidates are the Most Unelectable Gang of Freaks in American History). But then to go on and nail down Senator Joe Biden as Bama’s Veep in late May of this year? I know what you’re saying: who is this iSenseChange and how is he so dead-on-balls accurate for this election? How can we reward this latter-day NeoNostradamus for the sheer prescience involved in these utterly uncanny picks of his? What glorious accolades can we lay at his freshly oiled feet, what leafy laurels around his surely massive skull? Judging from the lackluster response to my admittedly weird entries thus far, I’m guessing a handful of reads and less than ten comments. Half of which are my own. Fuck it, says I. Ignore me at your peril. I am the Kossack Kreskin. And I have massive nuts.

That’s right, I said it: massive. But enough on that. Couldn’t believe Kos’d choose Kerry over Biden. Why not choose a largish chunk of wood instead? Look Kos, I like Kerry, think he’s a good dude but it’s already very well established that he’s about as exciting to listen to as a largish chunk of wood. Not to mention (yet mentioning) he was a limp dick at defending himself against some of the most obviously trumped up hack charges in history. Former Vietnam war hero gets trashed for being, well...a Vietnam war hero? Next to former cheerleader and just-barely-there-if-there-at-all National Guardsman George ‘Dubya’ Bush? Kerry’s your attack dog, Kos? What on earth for?

And sure, there’s always Hillary. If you’re freakin’ nuts. I believe I might have mentioned this before but it’s my position that Bama’d be smarter to eat his own face off than put that woman in the ol’ one-heartbeat-away-from-the-presidency spot. Do it and your next appointment better be a royal taster. Seriously. A hired geek to taste all your food before you do. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

And of course Edwards. Whom I was cheering for to win the whole thing for a little while there due to a populist message that struck a chord within me: it’s going to be a fight to get the corporate greedheads to play something even remotely close to fair! Well, so much for Edwards. Ever. Cheats on his own cancer-ridden wife. But she was in remission! Jesus H. Suffering Christ on Crab Cakes. Decides to run for President anyways. Knowing full well that if it just happened to come out after he was nominated he’d effectively toasted the Democrats chances for what should be the biggest no-brainer election in American history. To say nothing (and yet saying it) of gift-wrapping the presidency for another neocon, the ramifications of which the entire freaking world would have to suffer. What a dick! Elizabeth too. Cancer victims, it turns out, can still be dicks. I’ll never, ever apologize for saying it. Anybody who knew and didn’t tackle him to the ground or hire somebody to tackle him to the ground rather than run for president is a dick or a double agent. Period. I show better judgment every single day I don’t jerk at work. Which, I’m proud to report, is the wide majority of days.

But it’s coming down to the nut of the thing, the Veep sweepstakes are coming to a close and it looks like Biden’s surpassed all comers and will be Bama’s veep. He’s an excellent choice for a host of blatantly obvious reasons but there’s only one reason he’s The Choice: in 2008 it’s less about what states a Veep can deliver and more about how he comes off on mainstream media outlets like CNN and whatnot. Because they shape the dialogue. Plain and simple. And he’s a freaking treat to watch. His comments get play because they’re genuinely funny or extremely well informed. His Giuliani-911 quip goes down in history as the second coolest one-liner of the entire campaign.

And the first thing they always do is ask him about whatever the latest global problem is and here’s the thing: gotcha reporting, obvious propaganda and narrative manipulation temporarily disappear and genuine journalistic curiosity oh-so temporarily takes over for even a twittering half-wit like Chris Matthews and you know why? Because these media hacks are genuinely interested in what he has to say in spite of themselves. Because Biden actually knows what the fuck is really going on. He knows! And then they go and ask him about whatever the Repuggie freaks are trying sling around and Biden comes off as above it, disgusted yet slightly amused by it and then gives them the full low-down in a language everybody can very easily understand.

Biden’s very likable yet he can launch raw fire and reeking brimstone when he feels the need and in this campaign, friends and neighbors? There’s need. Oh yes, there’s need. You need someone who can snicker at the obvious hackery and utterly torch some of the more uglier stuff that’s no doubt coming. Biden is that guy. Period.

Obama-Biden in ’08, Kossacks! Get used to it!

-iSC

p.p. other Kossacks that posted a Biden prediction as their #1 pick for Veep earlier than mine please drop me a line and a link and I’ll come check you out.