Mormon Mitt's Defining Moment

Mon Dec 03, 2007 at 09:15:45 PM PST

Romney will get the plasticky android vote but the nomination? Only if he can give one hell of a speech on what the talking heads have taken to calling his "Mormon Problem," which is funny enough all on its own.

Mitt's initially attempted to make his "Mormon Problem" a non-issue with the master stroke of claiming he'd like to talk about it but he's not allowed:

"Is there going to be a special speech? Perhaps, at some point. I sort of like the idea myself. The political advisers tell me no, no, no — it's not a good idea. It draws too much attention to that issue alone."

It was a positively brilliant distraction: we all end up thinking that he's just an idiot that can't think for himself and is too stupid to cover this potentially damaging fact up rather than a Mormon that is...well...a Mormon. Look, stupiding your way to the president worked just fine for George 'Dubya' Bush not once but twice and Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi is on the record as suspecting the same strategy hard at work for Fred Thompson. Well, sort of hard at work. At work. Point is, post Dubya, stupid is the new smart in American politics, so why shouldn’t Mitt jump onboard as well?

All for naught, it seems his advisors now tell him he is indeed allowed to talk openly about his Mormon problem, for which we all await with baited breath and which the media has already dubbed Romney’s ‘JFK speech’ (offend anybody? No? Moving on...). This in reference to Kennedy’s very successful pitch to the masses in 1960, the major difference being that Mitt wouldn’t dream of saying he’d keep his Faith seperate from his job but rather that his Faith is just as pro God, pro Bible, pro Jesus, pro-Torturing-and-Nuking as yours is and a mighty Amen to all that.

Can he pull it off? Dunno. Tough row to hoe. Many feel he'd have better luck being elected as an Atheist than a Mormon. A Mormon? Multiple wives? This is America. Might as well start marrying the livestock. Blacks not having souls until the late sixties? Might not be a big deal with the Far Right who evidently still doubt they have souls in 2007 but these are the kind of things that can come back and haunt a would-be presidential contender that needs to win more than just the Big Business and Bible Belt vote. Secret, fireproof underwear? Sounds like James Bond stuff to me and I'm all for it. Seems like a good idea for just about anybody, let alone a presidential candidate, so maybe it's a good place for him to start.

His all knowing handlers have claimed Mitt’s speech is "not going to be a lesson in Mormon doctrine" but rather "an open discussion of how important and critical faith has been and is in Romney’s life" and "how faith is what shapes our values.."

And if that’s the case, Mitt’s sunk and his advisors are punks. People don’t really want a good sermon but if they did, Huckabee’s got that market cornered like no candidate in history. (Did you know he’s the only running candidate with a theology degree???? Bet yer ass! Talk about qualified!) Yessiree, Mike Huckabee, who asserts that he doesn’t even think we’re primates, which is funny and weird all at the same time, has the religio-chops to sermonize rings around any and all comers, Romney obviously included, which would be great if he were running for Pope, scary and extremely backwards since Huck’s running for President of the United States. Nonetheless here we all are.

Nope, Mitt’s gotta make the case for not just a religious president but a Mormon one or he’s dead in the water and to do so he’s gotta shed light on the ‘Otherness’ that clings to him like a wet fart and has from the start. That means (at the very least) confronting the multi-wife thing (only weird Mormons, a minority of what we like to call the ‘Other Mormons’ do that sort of thing and I am certainly not one of those), the no souls for black folks until the late sixties thing (yeah, well, somebody had a revelation, okay? Old Testament meets New Testament, okay? You either believe in revelations or you don’t, okay? Okay?!?) and the fireproof secret undie thing (Steve Young wore secret Mormon fireproof underpants while quarterbacking the Niners through how many championship seasons? How many Superbowl rings did your underwear ever get you? None? Boom! Done! Mormon’s fuckin' RULE!!!).

He takes these issues head-on and in the manner I’ve laid out then he has a chance against the possibly sleeping actor, the creationist preacher, the confused war vet and the transvestite. Anything less and he’s officially an also-ran.